Waging War on Time: A Satirical Survival GuideBecause “Forever Young” Is Only a Song, Not a StrategyWaging War on Time: A Satirical Survival Guide

Let’s face it: time is a relentless adversary. It creeps up in the form of crow’s feet, laugh lines, and mysterious aches that appear after doing absolutely nothing. While the world seems obsessed with “embracing the aging process,” I say: why accept defeat when you can wage a valiant (if futile) battle against the ravages of time? Strap on your anti-wrinkle helmet, unsheath your firming serums, and join me as we march into the trenches of satirical self-preservation!

1. The Skincare Arms Race

Every day, the beauty industry unveils a new “miracle” product guaranteed to shave 10 years off your appearance (and 100 dollars off your bank account). From snail slime to diamond dust, nothing says “desperate” like slathering on the byproducts of exotic creatures. Are the results measurable? Absolutely: you can measure your diminishing savings and the increased confusion of your pores.

I have tried it all, and other than goose semen (which is a real challenge to collect), I have only found one series of products which has gleaned complements from people who have nothing to gain from flattery

2. Fitness Fads: Can excessive workouts mold your aging body into submission?

Remember when exercise was just a healthy activity? Not anymore! Now it’s a high-stakes fight against gravity, metabolism, and the memory of your high school jeans. Whether it’s goat yoga or underwater Zumba, the only guarantee is that you’ll pull a muscle you didn’t know existed and need three-to-five weeks of physical therapy to recover.

The less you move, the less you can move.  Yes, there are more aches and pains than in younger times, but your very survival and independence depend heavily on actions only you can control. 

3. The Diet Duel: Kale vs. Cake

To eat the cake, or to eat the kale—this is the question that haunts every would-be time-fighter. Superfoods are in, carbs are out, and gluten is apparently the new Voldemort. The only weight you’ll consistently lose is the burden of enjoying your meals. And let’s not even talk about the “juice cleanse,” which is just a medieval torture device disguised as a trendy detox.

The never-ending diet fads have been going on for eons.  Add the newish popularity of food allergies, gluten intolerance and virtual adds touting outrageous benefits or damages from specific foods. GLP-1s have added a new dimension to the possibilities, but are they really the answer to the chubby/husky person’s prayers?

4. Fashion’s Failing Contributions

If you believe fashion magazines, the right outfit can magically erase decades. Pro tip: horizontal stripes and cropped tops are not your allies. In the end, “age-appropriate” dressing is code for “just wear black, sit in the back, and try not to .”

If your see people talking behind raised hands, it most likely is not to say how stupendous you look in the fluorescent orange spandex jumpsuit with the trailing sash.  Even if you are athletic and a healthy weight, fat distribution changes in middle age and does not recover as the year progress.  If it isn’t attractive in your full-length bedroom mirror, it will not magically transform in daylight.

5.  The Wisdom Workaround

They say with age comes wisdom. That’s great and all, but wisdom doesn’t smooth your forehead, decrease the sagging or plump your lips. It does, however, help you realize that fighting time is a battle best fought with humor, good friends, and the acceptance that everyone else is losing too.

Facelifts, botox, fillers, tummy tucks, liposuction, coolsculpting, Kybella, are all available for sale at every spa, clinic and craft fair.  Most are safe, reasonably priced options for self-indulgence, but do your research first.  Daisy Duck lips, and plastic foreheads aren’t attractive on 25 year olds and much less when you are 2-3 times that age. If your appearance is not what you desire stay away from mirrors or seek professional help for the disturbing attribute(s).

The Grand Conclusion: Surrender… with StyleSo, fellow time warriors, let’s raise a glass of red wine (for the antioxidants, obviously) and toast to the magnificent futility of our fight. Time may march on, but at least we can laugh in its wrinkled, sallow face. After all, if you can’t be forever young, you can always be forever feisty.

Future posts will delve into each of these subjects individually!