The Boomer Museum of Potentially Useful Things

Every Boomer home contains a secret museum. Admission is free, but visitors are required to listen to a 20-minute explanation of why none of the exhibits can be thrown away.

The Sassy Spin:  it is not a museum, it is life in retrospect.  Every legal document I ever touched is stored in date order, which will be invaluable when the computers crash and I need to prove that the 1972 Cutlass i bought right after high school graduation was sold it to my cousin’s boyfriend in 1979.  If it were to be  involved in a drug smuggling ring out of Chihuahua, I can prove when and to whom I dispatched the vehicle.

The collection usually begins in the garage, where you’ll find a tangled extension cord that hasn’t worked since the Reagan administration. Nearby sits a coffee can full of random screws, bolts, washers, and unidentified metal objects. When asked why they’re being kept, the curator responds, “Because one day I might need one.”

That day has not yet arrived.

The Sassy Spin:  there is no statement quite as disturbing to a boomer as “parts for that model haven’t been made in at least 20 years- just buy a new one.”  if I wanted a new one, I would have bought it long ago  (I can probably afford it better than you anyway).  I don’t need a $600 vacuum cleaner that has an alarm to tell me when to change the bag or empty the waste cylinder. power assisted steering, a heated and cooled handle nor a scent distribution system to leave my carpets smelling like linen - whatever that smells like!   I want an appliance which sucks the dirt into a container which I can then toss in the trash.   All I need is a little connector piece to keep the handle from falling backwards everytime I let go of it. The vacuum works better than any I have had in the last couple of decades -why is getting a couple ounces of plastic sooo difficult?  Hey  maybe i’ve discovered a new use for 3D printers.....

There are also enough plastic grocery bags to survive a nationwide bag shortage, several empty margarine containers reserved for leftovers, and a cardboard box filled with electronic cables for devices that no longer exist.

the Sassy Spin:  there are some valid points here   when I cleaned out my mother’s house there were 2 cabinets full of take out containers, as if she intended to start her own take out meal service - amusing since she never liked to cook and spent the 21st century living off of weenies (the buns were fattening)  burned bacon (she considered it crisp) chicken which must be battered and fried and canned black eyed peas.   She never lost her sweet tooth and bought tootsie rolls in the industrial size bags.Amazingly she made into her 90s and went to heaven with all of  her own teeth.

I digress from the subject at hand:  the real issue is that we fail to acknowledge that our brains are already stuffed with at least 7 decades of learning, so there is little storage remaining for trivial information- thus why we squirreled things away and exactly where we stored them rapidly fades from recall.  what is lacking is inventory control - if each item were properly labeled including potential uses then cataloged efficiently boomers would be like great gurus with deep insights and warehouses of potential problem solutions .

here I see an exceptional opportunity for multigenerational cooperation.  instead of attempting a project of this complexity on index cards, recruit a grandchild to develop a filing system on their tablets in exchange for Roblox cards!

Boomers don’t see clutter. They see opportunity.

That cracked flowerpot? A little glue, some decoupage, and bright paint and you would have a lovely accent piece for the patio.

 The gown you wore to the Jr-Sr banquet in 1970 would make a original Halloween costume for your granddaughter.

The stack of old phone books?   still the fastest way to find a persons  address  who does not imbibe of the virtual world. 

Comic books and LP albums?  College funds for the grandkids and great-grandchildren!

A greater mystery is that despite decades of saving everything “just in case,” the exact item they’re looking for can never be found when needed.

(Look back to my multigenerational labeling and inventory system.)

Still, hope springs eternal. Somewhere beneath the mountain of extension cords, reusable boxes, and mystery hardware lies the belief that tomorrow will finally be the day that the inability to trash a working item saves humanity.  Do you not remember the classic movie “Space Cowboys” when former studs from the 60s and 70s saved the world?

And honestly? If that day ever comes, Boomers will be absolutely unbearable about it.